Providing the best in the various vital consumer products that make the world what it is today, The Underworld's Finest®, a division of B.L. Zeebub Industries, is a privately owned conglomeration dedicated to bringing you those fringe commodities that you just can't (or won't) live without. Our proud history of furnishing that which you need spans thousands of years and literally millions of people ... people just like you. Join us now as we take you on a brief but informative tour that will explain who we are, what we do, and what we can do for you.

What products do you manufacture?

Central among our various holdings is our very popular Death's Head Brewery, where we still proudly brew Death's Head Fine Pilsner Beer™ in the time honored tradition of our founding father.

In 1629 our original brewery was established in the rustic hamlet of Salem, Massachusetts. Unfortunately, several unexplained fires, sixty-seven work-related fatalities and certain distressing legal proceedings eventually forced the closing of our original location in 1630.

Unwilling to submit to corporate dissolution, we relocated to our present undisclosed location in 1778 and have been proudly producing our Death's Head Fine Pilsner Beer™ there ever since. It's the crisp, delicious, world-famous beer that is now made with "just a hint of death"™ .

The smooth, full bodied flavor of Death's Head Pilsner, coupled with it's intriguing past and it's relatively low cost make it a favorite among a wide cross section of society; appealing especially to the weak-minded, insane, violent and those easily influenced by advertising.

Just right for your next drunk-driving fatality or boating accident, any sporting event riot, or even in your home giving you that extra incentive you need to meter out some well deserved discipline to a family member, Death's Head is what we like to call The Ethanol Motivator™

Also available from Death's Head Brewery:

• New! For those of you following the current trend of weight loss vagary, may we suggest our luscious yet calorically challenged Well-nigh Terminus Light™. Through a patented Noachian occult brewing recipe, Terminus Light mysteriously removes all of the beer's unfashionable oleaginous content ... while retaining all the rich flavor and menacing properties of the original Death's Head Pilsner.
  You have never seen light beer this dark™

These delectable brews and more are now available at locations near you, and we formally defy you to try a six pack or three and see if you don't agree that they are the finest cognition altering refreshments you have ever dared try. They may not be pure evil, but they sure taste like it.

What other items do you provide?

Our very profitable defense division, Satan's Own® Fine Weapons, is dedicated to purveying high quality, low cost arms of every sort to whomever might require them ... for whatever reason they may see fit to use them.

Satan's Own® is quite simply where the world shops for weaponry. Our product line is as diverse as our customer base. Supplying everyone from royal princes to disenfranchised punks, our weapons division is ready to furnish you with any implement of warfare that may be on your shopping list. What can we put in your hands today?

~Handguns~
It makes no difference whether you are an overly-paranoid home owner with curious children, anxious disgruntled former employee or violent urban gang member, we have the handgun for you. With the recent rash of public attacks, social carnage and familial murder, can you really afford to be left unarmed? Our sleek, fashionable new "Finger Of God"™ line of deluxe social equalizers insures that you are the last man standing ... regardless of whether your personal vendetta is for business or pleasure. Remember, it is your divine right to possess and utilize these weapons of cultural desperation, even if your motives are less than relevant, sane or logical.

~Biological/Chemical Weapons~
OK, so you are the little guy, a third or fourth world country who can't afford the big guns but still wants to show your neighbors that you got what it takes. What are the options? Hold out for a stray warhead from the former Soviet Union? That could take years! Stock up on conventional weapons? Too costly! Fortunately, a small investment and some basic chemistry can protect you and your interests with one of Satan's Own® Fine Weapons affordable and compact, yet formidably lethal biological or chemical defense weapons. From our deadly line of chemical cholinesterase inhibitors like VX Nerve and Sarin ... to our superbly virulent biological contagions like BTX Botulinal Toxin, Anthrax and Smallpox, we are the one source for the means to an abrupt end.

~Landmines~
Are uninvited intruders or undesirable ethnic types compromising your territorial imperative? What better to secure your perimeter than one of our patented line of dependable antipersonnel explosives? From our very affordable "Bouncing Betty" and "Butterfly" fragmentation lines to our heavier VG Shaped-Charge Antitank series, Satan's Own® manufactures the highest quality traps for the discriminating combatant. It makes no difference if your antagonist walks softly and carries a big stick, the slightest touch on one of our high grade mines will leave that transgressor wondering what ever happened to his legs and why he wanted to mess with your real estate in the first place.

~Assault Weapons~
Who needs automatic military-style weapons with folding stocks, pistol grips, high capacity ammunition clips and an attachment for a bayonet? You do! The liberal, spineless, leftist element in this world would have you believe that this type of firepower is unnecessary, excessive and has no legitimate recreational application. On top of that, they would investigate our personal psychiatric and criminal records while having us wait seven whole days to purchase our firearms! Now think about this, you may no longer be angry seven days later, so what good does that do you? Lets see what tune these progressive types are whistling when Tojo or the Red Menace are in the backyard recruiting their sons for service and violating their daughters for their own political ends. Better dead than red? You bet!

The forecast is looking brighter and brighter for Satan's Own® as our customer base, our profit margin and the death toll increases. More than any of our other ventures, we are confident that this particular division will profit handsomely and enjoy unlimited growth now and in the distant future.

What about pharmaceuticals?

I am glad you asked! Our fastest growing division is the wonderful line of narcotics from our Devil's Dope Emporium® group, where a dedicated bunch of chemists toils night and day to meet the ever increasing demands of a drug-soaked society.

Ever wonder where all that crack-cocaine, heroin, riboflavin, morphine, butane, opium, turpentine, PCP and model airplane glue comes from, how the quality stays so pure and the prices so reasonable? Don't thank anyone but the hard working individuals at Devil's Dope Emporium®, who make all those dreams come true and all those nagging hungers go away.

Our caring staff of professionals are not only concerned with the anesthetic appetites of our traditional consumer group, we are likewise dedicated to breaking new ground by enlisting a whole new customer base that will need to be supplied well into this colorful new millennium.

Why do we care so much about your stupefacient needs? The reversal of alcohol prohibition in the early twentieth century was extremely damaging to our liquor interests, so we are making our best effort to insure that drug prohibition doesn't go away anytime soon. The hard financial facts are that once alcohol was decriminalized by the repeal of the eighteenth amendment, our profit share was vastly depleted, anarchy and street crime were reduced and the government pilfered our coffers with the taxation of that previously banned substance.

As we apply pressure through graft to a world-wide political base, we insure a positive forecast of growth and profitability. Our influence keeps this enterprise outwardly "criminal", while greasing the political wheels enough to keep the vast machinery of global drug trafficking moving forward. As governments impotently flex their muscles by pursuing other more innocuous groups, such as the domestic marijuana concern, this placates a public frustrated by inefficiency, witlessness and the frankly factual impression that they are fighting a losing battle. Conveniently, this ineffectual bureaucratic posturing diverts unpleasant and costly attention away from our industry.

Where may I find these fine products?

Fortunately for you, the buyer/consumer, our complete line of quality merchandise is available virtually everywhere. From dimly lit back alleys to smoke filled hotel rooms ... in your child's school or your local mall ... from your place of business to your personal residence ... inside every malcontented psychotic and just outside the reach of the law, The Underworld's Finest® is most likely somewhere near you right now. Give us a try today, and you will see that we are more than happy to introduce deserving encumbrances to a vile human existence!

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