Are you as sick and tired of the same old pasta sauce
as the rest of us? I think you are! And the time has come, my
contemporary dissident, to raise the flag of cooking
insurrection! Be honest now, how many times have you thought
of overthrowing and subjugating those big name bureaucratic
tomato sauce coalitions who control the nauseating state of
spaghetti flavoring as we know it? The insidious system of
administration within these faceless conglomerations insures
the condiment status quo and imprisons your lingua in
perpetual flavorless bondage!
Come join the new movement of
modern cuisine's majestic emancipation...
This truly is a significant and provocative
subject; and here's how you can make a difference and help
SPITSIGM throw off the
tyrannical yolk of materialist spaghetti precepts that still
preponderate in this nation.
The effective disposition of tomato and meat
resources is so critical an element in this continuing
struggle as to render imperative the development of a "meat
sauce strategy" comparable in its scope, realism and
thoroughness with the military strategy which it must parallel
and with which it must be linked.
Join us! It is time, here and now, for the
faithful to cast out the oppressively banal and savorless
Ragu, Chef Boyardee and Aunt Millie's ... and rejoice in the
appetizing freedom of a revolutionary meat sauce conceived for
the liberation of the masses! Remember SPITSIGM's proud battle cry:
"Sauce is our only thought,
and
flavor is our only command!"
The Eastern European
Pasta Conflict
World War II was over. During this cold-war lull an edible evil was hard at work in the world, cooking up a warmer-war. The many
"Glass Jar" sauce producers, the enemies of all flavor-loving
peoples around the globe, had set it's vast machinery of taste
eradication into motion, beginning with the unsuspecting
population of Europe. This sudden influx of culinary
persecution and wan flavorings ignited the brutal contest now
known as the Eastern European Pasta Conflict of 1951-59. The
famed slogan, "Your Sauce Will Win the
War!," was introduced at this time to encourage
farmers and homemakers to fight oppression by producing more
and more of their own meat based tomato sauces.
As the United States and it's allies were drawn
into the conflict, several meat-flavored sauces were
tapped through Lend-Lease agreements with England, France,
China, and other sauce producing countries. These sauces were
generally inferior to the Italian and Greek meat sauces, and
in fact almost as bad as the jar sauce being distributed by
the enemy.
Meanwhile, the pro-democracy Chive-Garlic
Leftists in Europe encouraged the masses to challenge the
enemy's "glass jar" system by manufacturing their own homemade
meat based sauces under the rallying cry of "Tomatoes For
Victory." One of the most difficult tasks at this time was
to create a sauce that was fairly simple, yet powerful and
tasty enough to weaken the enemy's monopoly on pasta toppings.
In America, the USDA, (in full cooperation with
the military), tried to assist the leftist guerrillas by
stepping up research concerning non-glass jar meat sauce
production. Numerous modifications were made to traditional
tomato flavorings, as attempts were made to devise a delicious
yet simple field sauce for civilians and troops alike. These
attempts ultimately failed, producing washouts such as the
much maligned "Heinz 57 Spaghetti And Sauce In A Can."
It was at this point
in the conflict that my Father, the founder of and inspiration
for the SPITSIGM movement, came to the forefront of the
struggle. Father had volunteered and had fought bravely with
the pro-democracy guerrillas beginning in 1952, and had (in
cooperation with their militant chefs) developed a highly
classified topping known as The Sauceweapon. The Allies
felt that this recipe could effectively destroy the Glass Jar
conspiracy and end the destructive war once and for all.
Before my Father could fully utilize this
formula by distributing it among the local underground
movement, he was wounded by a booby-trapped country-style
sausage at the battle of Ragu in 1953. Lying wounded in that
battle-torn kitchen, he was then captured by the enemy, and immediately transported to the now
infamous Marxian socialist produce gulag, Aisle
10.
After three years of the most bitter confinement
without trial, he was charged late in 1956 with the grave
crime of "inciting nihilist public seasoning", for his
attempts to distribute copies of The Sauceweapon recipe in a
small village on the border of Urpkazistan. Without the
benefit of legal or culinary representation, he was found
guilty and sentenced by a military condiment magistrate to
five years hard flavor without the possibility of a
roll.
Dear Old
Dad's
Seditious Sauceweapon
(*WARNING:
The following message contains the original Sauceweapon
formula reprinted in it's entirety.)
This note was actually composed by my father
in the dark days just before the suspension of hostilities in
the Eastern European Pasta Conflict. The message finally
reached my hands in 1983 after the fall of the communist
controlled supermarkets in that beleaguered area made possible
the release of previously banned or "lost" communications. The
following document is the philosophical tenet and moral
precept on which the SPITSIGM movement and our ultimate
objective were originally founded.
I reprint the
complete message here for the first time ...
Dear
Son:
Although I do not know when or if I shall ever be
released from this totalitarian farmer's market from hell, I
assure you that I am being treated tolerably by the general
manager. Occasionally the night clerks do mistreat the other
prisoners and I, dragging us behind shopping carts, slamming
our fingers in the cash registers, or playing "Do You Know
The Way To San Jose" over and over on the store's public
address system. On the whole, though, I am reasonably well.
Soon this war will be over, and I will come
home. I want you to know that I think about you steadfastly
and I cannot wait for the wonderful day that we will be free
to forge a sauce of independence together in our own
kitchen, in our own home. A domestically luscious and altruistically pure pasta topping
for the people. A distinctly autarchic sauce with a flavor based not upon
bureaucratic oppression, but with a taste firmly rooted in political freedom.
I pray that this letter reaches you, and finds
you well, so that you may carry on our families proud
tradition of defiant flavorings. By producing the recipe for
The Sauceweapon as described in the following manifesto, you
will doubtlessly encounter hostility, political pressure and
persecution; just as I have. But you must be strong! You have
nothing to lose but the glass jar and only the sweet prize of
liberty to gain!
Firstly, you must search out and liberate the
following ingredients from your local materialist food
stockade.
Two large (16
ounce) cans of whole tomatoes, juice and all
One small (6 ounce) can of plain
tomato sauce
One pound hot Italian sausage
One pound hamburger
One half stick of butter,
(No margarine, save that for the fascists)
Two large onions chopped fairly
small, but not mutilated
Six large pieces of garlic
freshly peeled from the head and chopped severely small,
(mutilated)
A good deal of salt, and some
pepper to taste
Two small cans of mushrooms,
(optional, but the local militants really dig it)
One package No. 9 (thin)
spaghetti
One loaf fresh Italian bread
Forcibly integrate
the tomatoes, tomato sauce, butter, onions, garlic, salt,
pepper and optional mushrooms in a large kettle and begin a
slow simmer. Next, (and this is important, son), mix the
uncooked hot sausage and hamburger thoroughly into a uniform
bulk entity, this is not a two party system. Place this
pork/beef mixture into a separate, large frying pan and brown
it ... while breaking its will to resist and breaking it down
into small pieces. Once browned and humbled, demand the meat
immigrate to the kettle containing the other ingredients.
(*Note- Dad always
included the excess drippings from the meat into The
Sauceweapon. Although this is the way I prefer it, those of
you with high cholesterol or life-threatening coronary defects
may elect to drain the meat first.)
Remember son, once all the
ingredients are combined, mix thoroughly, cover and simmer for
at least two hours. This is crucial. Without the
correct "cooking-down" time, The Sauceweapon will not be the
right consistency nor have the proper civic flavor infused
into the constituents.
Bear in mind my boy, that this is a
very flavorful, yet a very thin topping. It is this way
not by accident, but by design! This is the glorious
SAUCEWEAPON, not a repressive, despotic, sterile
ketchup-like fascist tomato deception.
Once The Sauceweapon is finished,
and again this is important, utilize this delicious, politic
material to cover No. 9 spaghetti. Only the thin No. 9 will
do. No thick pasta, that is a thing for the Communists. Serve
with the Italian bread, which has been overwhelmed with butter.
Well, that's all I have time for
right now: The assistant manager just called for clean-up in
lane 4, and that means its probably spilled breakfast cereal
again. Curse the imperial breakfast regime, too ... death to
King Vitaman! Remember son, do your best to faithfully
recreate this formula I have sent you, and keep the spirit of
the revolution alive for future generations.
I Remain, Your Most Humble and Obedient,
Dad
|
Country Sausage
courtesy of
Featuring Exquisite
Ground Meat Products
Small patrols of men were often sent into No Man's Land to discover information about enemy recipes. The patrols usually went out at night, and it was treacherous work. The soldiers would cautiously inch their way forward on their stomachs and try to get within nose-range of the enemy trenches to see what was being prepared. Thus the expression: "What's cooking?"
Commanding Officers organized food-raiding parties. A typical raiding party would be comprised of 10-20 men who carried cut down rifles, salt, pepper, sheath-knives, butter and grenades. One of the main objectives of these raids was to capture groups of enemy cooks for interrogation, who could usually be found arguing about ingredients or oven temperatures. Thus the expression "Too many cooks."
Men on patrols considered returning to their own trenches as the most dangerous part of the operation. Nervous prep-cooks often fired at any movement in front of them and inadvertently caused many casualties. On one occasion in Italy a busboy killed two of his fellow soldiers with one shot. Thus the expression "Don't shoot! I'm on your side you stupid idiot."
DON'T BE CHICKEN:
How to Cut up a Chicken and Prepare It Under Fire
When pinned down by enemy fire, chickens which are cut-up and ready to cook are an unobtainable luxury and usually many parts are lost or wasted while trying to consume the bird whole. However, once you have the equipment and the knowledge to cut your own chickens while under hostile enemy fire, you'll be able to safely and conveniently divide any chicken for your platoon or regiment.
Ketchup Gas was first used by the German Army in 1916.  The most lethal of all the poisonous condiments used during the Eastern European Pasta Conflict, it was odorless and flavorless and took up to three hours to take effect. Ketchup Gas was so powerful that only small amounts had to be added to entrees to be effective. Once in the food, this gas remained active for several days.
Once ingested, the skin of victims of ketchup gas blistered, the eyes became intensely ulcerated and they began to vomit, making it impossible to enjoy any meal. Ketchup gas caused internal and external bleeding and attacked the stomach lining, stripping off the mucous membranes. This was extremely painful and most soldiers had to be strapped to their place settings.
One nurse, Sara Lee, wrote: "I wish those people who talk about going on with this war whatever it costs could see the soldiers suffering from ketchup gas poisoning. Great tomato-colored blisters, blind eyes, all sticky and stuck together, no appetite, with voices a mere whisper, saying that their throats are closing and they know they will starve."
FIELD RATIONS:™
VERSATILE MILITARY STYLE MEAT LOAF (WITH COMBAT VARIATIONS);
RUDIMENTARY MIX:
1 1/2 pounds ground meat
1 c. fresh Italian style bread crumbs
1/4 cup fresh parsley, hacked
3-4 cloves garlic, finely mitigated
1 large onion, finely mangled
1 large green bell pepper, divided
1 egg
1 1/2 teaspoon salt
1/2 teaspoon garlic powder
1/2 teaspoon onion powder
1/4 teaspoon pepper
1 8 oz can tomato sauce
1 cup ketchup gas (optional: booby-trap version)
1/2 cup water or beef stock (can use bouillon)
3 tbsp. Balsamic vinegar
3 tbsp. brown sugar
1 tbsp. mustard
2 tsp. Worcestershire sauce
3 strips bacon
1/4 c. Parmesan, grated (optional)
In a small military bowl, combine tomato sauce, optional ketchup gas, Balsamic vinegar, brown sugar, Dijon mustard, Worcestershire sauce, and water/beef stock.
In a large military bowl, combine beef, bread crumbs, onions, green bell pepper, parsley, chopped garlic, egg, seasonings, 3/4 cup of tomato mixture, and optionally, Parmesan cheese.
Form into a block. Place into shallow 7 by 10 in. pan or bread loaf tin, lightly oiled. Lay the bacon strips over the top of the mass and pour the remaining liquid over meat loaf to coat. Bake in a 350 degrees Fahrenheit oven for one hour and 15 minutes, basting occasionally with ketchup or an available barbecue sauce.
COMBAT AND FIELD
VARIATIONS:
Choose one:
1. THE "WE SURRENDER" VARIATION:
Eliminate salt, bouillon, and substitute French onion soup mix. Sprinkle top with tomato soup and crushed crackers instead.
2. THE "SPONGEBOB ITALIAN" TACTIC:
If you have Italian or French bread, substitute milk for the water listed in recipe, and soak about 2 cups bread in the milk prior to mixing into the meat mixture. Squeeze out the excess slightly before adding. Substitute this bread for the bread crumbs. After mixing everything together, you can also form this meat mixture into meatballs and fry in 1/2 inch olive oil in a heavy bottom skillet (such as cast iron). If making Italian meatballs, leave out the brown sugar and Dijon mustard, but be sure to use the Parmesan cheese. Season the oil in the pan with 2-3 whole cloves garlic (don't chop it up or it will burn like a napalm drop instead of just roasting).
3. FALL BACK MODIFICATION:
If you're under fire or retreating, you may save time and substitute 2 c. of barbecue sauce and eliminate the following ingredients: 1 c. ketchup, 1 8 oz can tomato sauce, 3 tbsp. balsamic vinegar, 3 tbsp. of brown sugar, 2 tbsp. Dijon mustard, 2 tsp. Worcestershire sauce.
4. THE "FEIGN LASAGNA" MANEUVER:
Eliminate the bread crumbs. Sauté this mixture with onion and garlic for 5 minutes and layer a casserole with no-cook lasagna noodles. Place meat mixture to cover noodles. Add a sprinkling of Parmesan cheese and 1/3 pound ricotta mixed with one egg, 1/4 cup freshly chopped Italian parsley or 1 cup fresh spinach and 1/2 pound grated mozzarella cheese. Cover with another layer of noodles, and top with 1 large can of tomato sauce mixed with 1/2 teaspoon each basil and oregano. Place in 325 degree oven 60 minutes or until bubbly, basting occasionally with sauce to prevent the faux-lasagna from drying out.
5. PROVINCIAL VARIATION:
Use available peasant grains, such as wheat, rolled oats or sawdust instead of bread crumbs.
6. THE "COOK ON AN ENGINE BLOCK" STRATEGY:
Form meat mixture into shapes like large Jeep tires, approximately 6-7 inches across. When forming the tires, don't allow the center to actually become a hole; just thin it out, leaving a well in the center. Optionally, brush with ketchup. Crush 8-10 Saltine or Ritz crackers into crumbs and sprinkle over the tire shaped burger, concentrating the excess crumbs into the center. Sprinkle with onion and garlic powder and a liberal dose of soy sauce, allowing a 1/2 spoon or so to form in the well. (This can optionally be topped with cheese and canned mushrooms if desired.)
Place the loaf in tinfoil and set it on your vehicle's intake manifold. Run your vehicle up to 65 mph for at least 15-20 minutes or so, according to size, until the juices run clear and tire-shaped meat is done. Served with meat drippings as topping, there is no need for a bun. This is one fast and easy combat lunch!
WWII STANDARD ISSUE GERMAN WEINERS (WITH "TOOTHSOME BLITZKRIEG"™ SEASONING)
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