At work the other day, I was standing there biting my nails, when one of the secretaries said "You know, you get more germs in your mouth from biting your nails than if you were biting the head off a cockroach." I found this surprising, but I told her that since I had no cockroaches handy, I would have to settle for biting my nails. So, I was determined to find out if this roach stuff was in fact true, and if so, just who was selling nail-biting cessation cockroaches. To make a long story short, I couldn't find a damn thing online about these anti-nail biting roaches… no roach patches, no roach gum, nothing… but as I was just about to give up hope, I stumbled upon a page in Google about the King Tut exhibition that is touring the country. It was then that it struck me like a bolt out of the blue… isn't there some sort of legal action I could take against Steve Martin for that question I got wrong on my SAT's, the one where I listed King Tut as "born in Arizona, moved to Babylonia"? Frankly, I think he screwed up my chances with Yale.

7:11 PM - 3 Comments - 1 Kudos - Add Comment

I hope everyone gets out to vote, just like I did. I showed up at my local polling place a little earlier today with a bunch of handbills that I made all by myself that said "Vote for Fred Sleestack." (See left) And for a further level of political polling influence, I brought a trained chimpanzee with me to tout my candidate, one who can ride a tricycle and smoke a cigar, with a sign on the side of the bike that said "vote for Fred Sleestack."

Now when I say "chimpanzee" I more accurately mean "hamster", because I don't actually have access to a tricycle-riding chimpanzee, and I discovered that hamsters are much easier to obtain at the last minute. Anyway, when I started to pass out my handbills standing next to my bike riding campaign hamster, some people asked "what is this?" and "is this some kind of joke?" to which I replied "Damn you, Fred Sleestack is the only candidate that not only avoided all that negative campaigning on TV, he is the only one who has been completely endorsed by Sid and Marty Krofft AND Chaka!" And then I started yelling that over and over again, louder and louder, waving my handbills and pointing at the hamster, until the people at the polling location started to say things like "call the police" and "psychosis." So at that point I figured I should probably just stop campaigning and go in and vote myself. However, inside the voting machine, I discovered to my chagrin that Fred Sleestack was not listed anywhere on the ballot! Luckily, I had the same permanent black magic marker in my pocket that I used to make my handbills with, so I wrote him in for state representative. At first I wasn't sure how to do this, seeing as this was an electronic voting machine, so I just drew a large picture of Fred Sleestack on the face of the machine with my marker.

Well, talk about a bunch of sticklers for customary voting procedures! As soon as the next person went into the booth everybody started pointing at me and yelling stuff about "vandalism"" and "call the police"" and "he's crazy"" again. So right then I just jumped up on a chair and raised my arms above my head, and I yelled at the crowd "People! People! Is this not our civic duty? This is what our democracy is all about! So, maybe all of you don't agree that Fred Sleestack should be state representative! That's fine people! You can write him in for governor instead! That's your American freedom of choice!"" And everyone got real quiet and just stared at me, and I thought to myself how this really is what this country is all about, the power of free speech and the power to vote for whoever you want, and I figured that everyone there was probably thinking the same thing at that point, and that they were also thinking that maybe Fred Sleestack would make a pretty good state representative after all. But that's when I felt the first taser hit me in the chest.

7:09 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

What is love? Well, personally, I think love can be very treacherous. I think love is something that should be left alone, and given a wide berth. Because if you don't mess with it, you will be just fine, it won't hurt you. But, if you provoke it, or throw something at it, or prod it with a stick, it will overwhelm you… it will chase you down and then cover you with a horrible buzzing fury and a thousand exceedingly painful red welts all over your body. Oh wait… no… that's a beehive. Okay, let's see here… well… I guess to tell the honest truth I have no idea what love is. But I bet you could find it at Walmart, whatever it is. Believe me, they got everything there, including gauze bandages, calamine lotion and injectable epinephrine.

5:65 AM - 75 Comments - 55 Kudos - Add Comment

You know what I wish I could do? I wish I could suddenly appear as a giant glowing bearded patriarchal God figure in the sky all over the whole Middle East, and say in a huge, booming voice "Do Not Do What You Have Been Doing... It Is Against My Wishes That You Should Fight And Kill Each Other!" and then with a deafening crack of thunder I would disappear. And then everyone who saw it would probably drop to their knees in fear and start groveling and begging for forgiveness, but before they had the chance to stand back up I would suddenly re-appear in the sky, but this time I would be wearing a black 19th Century top hat and tuxedo and say "Now Watch This... I've Been Practicing All Week!" and I would do a fairly complex soft-shoe routine to the tune of "Hello Dolly".

1:54 AM - 152 Comments - 87 Kudos - Add Comment

My girlfriend and I have been having some ups and downs lately. Actually, you could say that we haven't seen eye to eye on several things for quite some time now. "We are broken up," she says, "Why can't you grasp that point and stay away from me?" Sure, we supposedly "broke up" about four years ago, but I think that was just because we needed a little space to put things in perspective. Then she will say things like "What's wrong with you? You know that the order says you can't be within 500 feet of me," and "Stop that!"... and then I just can't help but give her a great big hug, because I know that in the back of her mind she is probably thinking about that time we had that picnic in the dead of winter at the state forest, or about that time we went to that quaint little bed and breakfast in Vermont when it rained all weekend. And then she pepper-sprays me full in the face and I think, wow, relationships sure are a lot of hard work.

8:45 PM - 30 Comments - 12 Kudos - Add Comment