If I went back in time to Philadelphia circa 1776 the first thing I would want to see would be the breakfast menu. I bet they had some awesome pancake specials that were only a few cents and probably included eggs and toast, too. If I brought five dollars with me I could eat breakfast for three months, that is unless the waitress noticed that Abraham Lincoln was on that five-dollar bill. Since he hadn't been born yet she would probably say "Who is that guy with the beard?" and then I would have to tell her the whole story about time travel and the civil war and John Wilkes Booth and all that jazz. That would almost certainly take up a lot of time, and I would probably get bored with all those explanations, so I'll just go to Denny's and get the $3.99 Grand Slam instead.

3:34 AM - 16 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

I came across these facts on the United States Internal Revenue Service website (www.irs.gov) and I thought they were kind of interesting...

1. Because metal was scarce, the Oscars given out during World War II were made of Virginia baked ham.

2. There are no clocks in Las Vegas gambling casinos. Similarly, there are no roulette wheels in Las Vegas clock stores.

3. The name Joan was made up by the actress Joan Collins; there was never a recorded Joan before.

4. There are no numbers that rhyme with: orange, purple, avocado, and silver.

5. Leonardo Da Vinci invented Tai Bo. Also, it took him 10 years to paint God's finger.

6. If you put even a tiny amount of Kentucky Fried Chicken spice on a scorpion it will instantly go mad and sting itself to death.

7. The mask used by Michael Myers in the original movie "Halloween" was a Jimmy Swaggart mask painted white and given a better hair-cut.

8. If you have six quarters, three dimes, and five pennies, you have $1.85.

9. To avoid being attacked and killed by grizzly bears, many hikers in the Alaskan wilderness carry Anthony Hopkins and Alec Baldwin with them.

10. The phrase "thumb up your ass" is derived from an old English law, which stated that you couldn't be excused from a prison work detail unless you shoved your thumb up your ass for your guard's amusement.

11. The 1939 movie "The Wizard of Oz" was secretly created to sync up with the music known as the "Dark Side of the Moon," which was written at the same time. Oz director Victor Fleming wrote the lyrics for the album, while George Bassman created the musical score. "Dark Side of the Moon" has sometimes incorrectly been credited to Roger Waters and David Gilmour.

12. Chewing garlic while peeling onions will keep you from crying.

13. Drywall spackling compound has negative calories. It takes more calories to eat this paste than it has in it to begin with. This is also true of cardboard.

14. Israeli toilet paper is certified kosher.

15. The "Guinness Book of World Records" holds the world record for being the only book called the "Guinness Book of World Records" which contains a big list of world records.

16. Astronauts are not allowed to eat Cocoa Puffs cereal before they go into space for fear that they could suffer from the psychotic break known as "Cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs" and potentially cause a disaster.

3:34 AM - 32 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

1. When I'm drunk?
I am a lampshade-on-the-head, pinch your grandmother's ass, fall into the decorative fountain at the expensive restaurant type drunk. (Not necessarily listed in the order of importance.)

2. Do you talk about Religion or Deep meaning thoughts?
Deep meaning thoughts? No, deep meaning thoughts I talk about not.

3. Do you cry?
Only when I think about cute little kittens. Oh, and onions. I love you man.

4. Do you get Angry?
What the hell is that supposed to mean? You got a problem beeotch? Oh Yeah? Well, now you got a bigger one, punk!

5. Do you Vomit?
Whenever I can! Even when I haven't been drinking. I like to stay in practice.

6. After 7 drinks you are?
I are ready for at least three or four more.

7. After 1 shot of 151 you are?
See above.

8. Your favorite drink is?
It's called a Screaming Blue Catheter… Mix together in a plastic margarine container: 3 parts vodka, one part Everclear, two parts Windex, dash of salt, and a squeeze of lemon… Pledge.

9. Tequila does what to you?
Makes me take off all my clothes and jump up and down and scream and stuff. Then, after security escorts me out of the Shop Rite produce department, it makes me want to do it all over again, but this time at Price Chopper! Unless you are talking about the mongoloid elfin Myspace pseudo-celebrity Tila Tequila, she just makes my tummy feel yucky.

10. Whiskey makes you?
Makes me the man I am today!

11. Who do you drink with?
Jack Daniels, Jim Beam, Bud Weiser, Grey Goose and some guy named Dave who sits two stools over on Fridays.

12. Vodka makes you?
Wish it was beer.

13. Do you smoke when you drink?
No, but there is a fair amount of steam.

14. On the rocks or straight up?
Yes.

15. Do you Pass Out?
Only when I am driving. All that steering and those pedals, it can get confusing when you are plastered.

16. Do you drink girly drinks?
Like what? I am not familiar with "girly drinks." Is that the one with the little umbrella?

17. Do you drink alone?
With nobody else. I prefer to be by myself.

18. Worst Drink you have ever had?
A Dirty Underwear. In an empty milk carton mix: 4 parts generic vodka, 1 part olive oil, 2 parts Pabst Blue Ribbon, 1 raw egg, I cup cold coffee, a dash of bitters and a sprinkle of paprika. Shake well and serve in an empty McDonald's soda cup. (That's important… it must be empty.) Garnish with 2 pieces of asparagus.

19. Do you play drinking games?
Sure, all of the typical ones. "Keep the Wheels Off The Sidewalk" and "Pedestrian Slalom" and "Doing a Donut in the Grass Outside City Hall" and then we always end the night with "Gee Officer, I can Usually Walk a Straight Line No Problem" which is usually followed by "Ouch Goddammit, Your Hurting My Arm You No Good Oinker! Anybody Got A Video Camera?"

20. Drunk Phone Calls to people?
Send me your number and I will let you know.

21. Drink and Drive?
See number 19.

22. What IS YOUR FAVORITE BEER?
Well, my FAVORITE BEER is Corona. C'mon! It is La Cerveza mas Fina, isn't it?

23. What is your favorite mixed drink?
A Crunchy Plum Scotty: Prune juice, scotch and original Chex Mix.

24. What is your favorite shot?
12 gauge. No, wait, Wild Turkey. (Ha! You thought I was going to say 9mm, didn't you! You didn't? Hurumph. Try to keep up here man.)

25. What will you NOT drink?
Gasoline. Pine pitch. Squid Juice. Floor Wax. 10w40 Motor Oil. Spider Venom. Sea Water. Urine. Printer Cartridge Ink. Hydraulic Fluid. Lava. Gorilla Sweat. Oh yeah, and Root Beer. Yes, Root Beer. What's wrong with Root Beer you say? Well, did I mention that it's Root Beer with potassium cyanide in it?

26. Are you a lightweight when it comes to drinking?
Is that a trick question? Have you seen these answers?

27. Do you like the drinks with the little umbrellas?
Ah HA! That IS the girly drink! Frankly, I prefer the drinks with the little raincoats and galoshes.

28. Do you ever drink Bacardi® Silver?
Hey, wait a minute, who sponsored this questionnaire?

29. Do you like frozen drinks?
No. Unless they have a little umbrella frozen into them. And little raincoats and galoshes.

30. Do you drink liquor straight?
Everything I do I do straight. Bong! Yo, that's how I roll, G.

31. Do you ever drink out of the bottle?
Only when nobody is looking. Or when nobody is home. And when I say "nobody is home" I mean at my neighbors house. I often drink out of the container when they are out shopping or something. Oh, and especially when they leave the front door unlocked.

32. Have you ever drank a jagerbomb?
Ja habe ich ein Jagerbombe Recht getrunken, nachdem ich Ihr letztes Bier, Sie armer stummer Bastard getrunken habe.

33. Are you drunk right now?
I love you, man. No, really.

34. Do you consume more than 2 alcoholic beverages a day?
No, no way. Absolutely not. Oh, wait. In a day? Well, okay, it's definitely more than two. Like twelve or sixteen more than two.

35. Do you drink a lot of wine?
Only in an alleyway. Or in Italy. But, in an alleyway in Italy? Whoa, don't get me started Mario.

36. When's the last time you drank?
Hmmm. Let's see. Well, today is Friday the 16th of March, um… 8:00AM?

37. Have you ever thrown up from drinking?
I've thrown up, thrown down. I've been thrown from a moving car. All of it.

38. Do you feel horny when you drink?
Does it make me horny baby? You better believe it! It gets me hornier than the middle school band baby!

39. Ever done a Keg Stand?
Bah, you are a light-weight. Try a Flying Everclear Keg-Stand with the upside down nitrous hit chaser. Then ask me that question again. No, really, ask me again, I forgot what you said.

40. Name someone that will repost this drinking survey?
Well, at least one of my alcoholic friends probably will.

41. Ever been streaking while drinking?
Are you kidding? Oh yeah baby! Is there any other way to renew your driver's license?

42. Hot tub/pool naked because of alcohol?
No, but there was that time in the 7-11. You know what I'm talkin' about! Yeah! I'm talkin' the Big Gulp naked drunken microwave nachos, mi amigo!

43. Failed any college courses due to alcohol alone?
Alcohol alone? Absolutely not. It was due to an unfortunate combination of alcohol, casual sex, home-made incendiary devices and farm animals. (Not necessarily listed in the order of importance.)

44. Ever hooked up w/more than 1 person in a night because of alcohol?
Yes, but in my defense it was at the same time. And in Tijuana. (Oh yeah! That one is for you Rosario and Graciella! You hot little tamales!)

45. Ever woken up & said "dude where's my car?"
No. But a funny story here, I actually broke someone's nose for saying that. Then he punk'd me by keying my car, the dirty bastard. But then he went and married Demi, so I had the last laugh.

46. Ever carried someone up & down the same flight of stairs due to their drunkness?
Yes. I carried the old lady that lives upstairs from me up and down the same stairs. Boy, was I drunk. However, she was sober, so it got old for her pretty quick. Plus, it wasn't easy with all that squirming and yelling.

47. Have you ever taken the shirt off your back to clean up a friends puke
Yeah, but I was wearing his shirt, so, no harm no foul. And I also used my underwear. I didn't have to, but, hey, when an excuse comes along to randomly take of your underwear, you better just grab it with both hands baby.

48. Puked in a friend's car?
Prodigiously! And I was just walking past his house! (He left the passenger side window down! Hey, wait a minute…. he didn't live on Elm Street….) Okay, no, I haven't.

49. Puked in a friend's house?
All of them, I think.

50. Ever drank more beers than years?
You betcha! I did drink 112 beers once. But that was dog years… I was drinking with Lorne Greene and a pug named Humphrey. And that's 16 beers to you and me.

5:65 AM - 1 Comments - 8 Kudos - Add Comment

Recently, some dirty bastards hijacked my page, changed my password and started leaving unauthorized and stupid comments on all of my friend's pages, stuff about Viagra and how penis size does matter and discounted leather Versace purses and crap like that. However, before negotiations for the release of my intellectual property had even started, a group of Israeli commandos stormed my page under the cover of darkness and shot the hijackers to death. On a happier note, only three of the hostages and two .jpg images were shot in the confusion. And you have no idea how hard it is to get a bandage on someone's confusion.

1:54 AM - 57 Comments - 26 Kudos - Add Comment

Sometimes I'll just be driving along, like last night after I stole that red Mercedes SLC450 from the dealership in town, and I'll just start thinking. Why are we here? What is the meaning of life? What's it all really about? Could it be that existence is really nothing more than a bunch of sirens, gunfire, flashing blue lights and an amplified voice that says "pull over, damn it, pull over right now"? Frankly, I think that it just has to be more than that. So I pulled into the 7-11 to reflect upon this puzzle and make myself some microwave nachos. It was then that I decided that life is probably not just exploding cheese whiz and burning microwave ovens, either.

2:30 AM - 13 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment