"Omniscient am I not, but well-informed"
Nazi concentration camp is By Tank Beefpile OSWIECIM, POLAND- Uniformed SS Schutzstaffel guards turn tourists and reporters away at a roadblock, as a grey front-end loader pours gravel into a shallow hole and a generator whirs dismally in the background. Razor-wire hangs from quietly humming electrified fences as dreary and box-like buildings are slowly erected in the distance. All are subtle giveaways that the latest installment of an American reality-based TV show is underway.
In fact, the former German extermination camp Auschwitz, the scene of one of the most heinous massacres in history, is being readied for the next edition of CBS' blockbuster series, ''Survivor.''
CBS confirmed the location Tuesday. Two-thirds of the camp area has been closed to everyone but a production crew and the armed sentries and guard dogs that pass through.
When told that this Einsatzgruppen (concentration or extermination camps) installment of ''Survivor'' is just a game show in which 16 contestants try to outlast each other under adverse conditions to win $1 million, survivors and the relatives of survivors of the actual Holocaust described the project as ''Patently offensive" and "Recklessly stupid".
Thier outrage did nothing to dissuade the producers of the hit TV show.
In the series first editions; staged on a South Pacific island, the Australian Outback, the African Savannah, the deep interior of the Arctic Circle and the mouth of a live volcano in Pichu-Pichu, the network managed to keep the areas off-limits to the public and the game's outcome classified until the show aired several months after filming.
The Geheime Staatspolizei, or Gestapo, who are involved in this latest ''Survivor,'' set to air in the fall, were recruited by the producers of the show from actual neo-nazi hate groups. These neo-fascist guards have been tight-lipped about the workings of the camp, saying that they have signed confidentiality as well as exemption from prosecution agreements. But the word of mouth around here, called the "Nosy National Socialists,'' has it that crew members soon will be flown in from Argentina, Norway and Brazil to begin filming. Poland has signed confidentiality agreements as well and could not say how much the country was paid for it's four-month lease on the property. ''They are very concerned about secrecy,'' an official Polish Government spokesman said.
Some Cuban and Albanian refugees were flown in to take part in a test run at the Oswiecim location before the actual 16 contestants arrive. Some of these refugees said they were chosen for their appearance (ill-adapted and ethnic).
These minority extras are being used to test the new immunity and reward challenges that producers are preparing, according to CBS spokesman Mike Bender, and even if they survive these tests, they will not be involved in filming the series.
In past ''Survivor'' shows, producers have said they had used body doubles for filler shots. This time Bender insists they will just use the bodies.
''We expect that 'Survivor' will have a very big impact because it reaches 40 million people,'' Bender said. ''We are very hopeful, if it shows the camp in an entertaining way.'' When questioned about the moral and ethical ramifications of reliving a monstrous and frankly unfathomable chapter in the history of man's own cruelty to man, Bender replied that "Morals and ethics are things that a CBS television spokesman is really not qualified to discuss. That being said: eating worms, fungal infections, starvation and random crocodile attacks were all well and good in the past 'Survivor' shows. But, you must remember that the American TV viewing audience is very fickle. They need more. To make them tune in we need real blood, and blood they shall have."
"Executive producer Hans Gruber has always been committed to working with respect for the memory of the dead," Bender added, ''and Hans has learned through trial and error how to return the camps to the same condition, and in some cases a more cruel condition than it was when the genocide started.''
In describing the distinct parts of the show itself, producer Hans Gruber was cryptic concerning certain details. "I don't want to give away too much", he stated, "But this is real. It's no holds barred. These sixteen contestants are playing it for keeps. There is real electricity in those fences. Real bullets in the guard's guns. Real lice and real dysentery. They'll spend their days covered in filth like everything else, and walk alongside machine gun nests and savage guard dogs. They'll just have to hope the production crew can keep the SS Einsatzgruppen (taskforce) out of their barracks at night. The winner will have really earned that million dollars."
The production has concerned some human rights organizations, however. Workers at the camp, who have seen the set, said two buildings, three barracks, several guard towers and a temporary shower have been built.  In a related story, special representatives of Amnesty International and several journalists were detained Monday after they entered the cordoned area. The group then met with ''Survivor'' producers on Tuesday to discuss their concerns, and they were summarily executed.
HOLLYWOOD EXCITEMENT ... PAGE 8 * Ben Affleck options movie rights
* Pay-Per-View calls latest "Survivor" tacky, will air "WWF Smackdown" instead
* Hardees readies new "Death Camp Toys" for Happy Meals
* Larry King pledges "oral pleasure" for winner
In Los Angeles: There are many unnatural folks with bad-tempered little dogs.
In Ethics: Filthy web pages promoting anti-social behavior and insider trading.
Health Watch: "Survivor", cure for insomnia?  Newsing Break?In Care Of This Page
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A West Virginia company is recalling about 21,000 toy flies because their antennae contain barbed wire that can cut and scratch children. Treblinka Toys, of Gomer, WV., has received 19,987 reports of the wires passing through the fabric on the antennae of these toys. Most children have suffered cuts to the hands or face which have required at least ten to fifteen stitches. The recall involves toys which are included in Hardee's Death Camp Happy Meals, specifically the SS Squalor Fun Flies toys with 4-inch-long wire antennae and a stuffed thorax containing a squeaker. For more information or to get a free replacement toy, consumers can call Treblinka Toys between 7:30 a.m. and 4:30 p.m. EDT Monday through Friday. ($5.95 per minute. You must be eighteen or older to call.)
Other than his elasticized and ersatz good looks, religious organizations and the movie going public in general are at a loss to explain Ben Affleck's disturbing success in the entertainment industry. "The Roman Catholic Church feels it has to be the intervention of Satan," stated Father D. Karras, a priest in Lenox, New York: "Just look at 'Pearl Harbor' or 'Daredevil' ... My God, what other explanation is there?"
Jar-Jar Binks, who gained both fame and infamy for his irritating and half-witted performance in "Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace", has been named the official mascot of the Special Olympics. Organizers of the event stated that a unique figure was needed, one with a greatly diminished mental capacity and clumsy demeanor. "We needed a mascot who could make the kids feel better about themselves", a spokesman stated, "One who could make even the most profoundly handicapped child feel superior in every way."
Although floundering in the ratings, a direct intervention by Satan guaranteed that the painfully vapid reality series "American Idol" would be renewed for another full season. "I can't be everywhere all the time," the Dark Prince stated, "I consider this show an invaluable tool for spreading torment and agony on a grand scale when I am busy attending to things elsewhere in the world... like Ben Affleck's career."
