LITTLE ROCK- With the troublesome carnal incidents that had plagued his administration seemingly forgotten and in the past, former President Clinton and his closest advisors were sent reeling today by brand new charges of past presidential misconduct.
In a startling and unexpected legal maneuver, Iraqi Dictator Saddam Hussein, who is now in custody inside Iraq, has charged that while he and the former President met early in 1995 in a Baghdad hotel room to discuss the ban on weapons of mass destruction, Clinton allegedly exposed his erect penis to Hussein and asked him to "kiss his Patriot Missile".
Clinton's lawyer, Robert Bennett, was quick to deny these allegations saying: "This indictment is nothing but an outrageous exaggeration. Saddam has a long history of distorting certain facts, and we vehemently deny that he and The President were ever alone in that hotel room. This is a purely political move on his part designed for the express purpose of gaining sympathy from the Iraqi people during his ongoing court procedings."
Hussein's French attorneys shot back with a statement alleging that he and Clinton were indeed alone long enough for the exchange to have happened. In a sworn affidavit that The Mephistopheles Times has illegally gained access to, the former Iraqi dictator has claimed that he was escorted to room 305 at the Baghdad Best Western Hotel by an as yet unidentified Secret Service Agent under the pretenses of "a talk of arms reductions."
Later, Hussein claims, "Clinton became more suggestive in his conversation and offered to rub my shoulders 'because I looked tense.' Suddenly, he pointed towards the dresser and said 'Hey, is that anthrax virus under there?' When I bent over to look, he grabbed me from behind and thrust his pelvic region forcefully against me. I jumped back and told him in no uncertain terms that I was not that kind of dictator and that this was a no fly zone. I refused his advances, and that is when the infidel dog pulled his pants down and exposed his standing executive genitals. I fled the room weeping, too ashamed to tell anyone of the incident ... until now."
Meanwhile in Iraq as news of this newest incident spreads, tensions and tempers are flaring. Rioting crowds have taken to the streets, burning American Flags, cigars and cheap plastic likenesses of Clinton's genitalia. Thick acrid smoke, enraged gunshots and choruses of "My Ding-a-Ling" filled the late afternoon air as thousands demanded justice for what they called a sin against Allah, Islam and good taste.
GLOBAL REACTION... PAGE 3
* French Prime Minister comes forward with similar charges
* Russian Foreign Prime Minister Yevgeny Primakov offers threesome
* Italian Parliament asleep
* Greek President categorizes incident as 'exciting'
Domestically: Political right-wing demands investigation, did Clinton use protection?
Opinion: Public poll- What if President Clinton humped your leg?
Health Watch: The date rape drug, good for insomnia?
Unable to negotiate buyout,
Walmart declares war
By Chunk Drywall
BALTIMORE- Aggravated by what executives call a lack of progress in the effort to eradicate the inferior sales practices of smaller retail chains, Walmart Department Stores launched a massive offensive against fortified K-mart, Sears, Ames and Bradlees locations nation wide.
Heavily defended K-marts in Washington, Ohio and Fort Worth were stormed early this morning in the brazen attack, and it is feared that the death toll may be in the thousands.
High ranking K-mart and Sears officials had anticipated that attacks would start in the near future and had sought to minimize damage to their financial and political infrastructure by consolidating their forces in a last desperate play for time. However, the Walmart forces were undaunted by the merger and the massive attacks proceeded on schedule.
General Omar Johnson, commander of Walmart's eastern front and household appliances department, stated that the attacks against the combined K-mart and Sears positions were successful, due in a large part to the surgical precision of the strikes. "We got there early, just as the doors were opening, and launched simultaneous assaults against the jewelry counter, sporting goods and gardening departments. They never knew what hit them."
In Massachusetts a desperate last stand was attempted by K-mart employees who had fallen back to the lunch counter and laid down a withering fire with Marlin 22 caliber rifles and the Wednesday Chili Dog and 16 Ounce Soda Special. This valiant effort held back the Walmart drive through the heart of electronics to the pet department for close to three hours, until a daring offensive strike by a Walmart demolition crew detonated cans of camp-stove propane near the Slurpee® machine and pretzel warmer. The subsequent explosion leveled the entire left half of the store, at which time the remaining K-mart sales associates threw down their guns and smocks and surrendered.
This round of fighting has been particularly fierce, and casualties on both sides are said to be heavy. An unconfirmed report states that in Utah some Sear's stock-clerks had rushed the Walmart line when they ran out of ammunition, armed only with their ineffectual price guns and some Craftsman socket sets. Corespondents described the scene as "a massacre" as these clerks were cut down by the superior but reasonably priced Remmington over-under shotguns that are discounted up to 50% at Walmart until Saturday. Walmart officials declined to comment on the report but said that they will actively investigate any reports of combat misconduct or illegal killings.
Triumphal Walmart employees in the pacified city of Greensboro paraded victoriously through the streets on their captured Lawn-Boy Tractors and Huffy 10-speeds, but were greeted in a luke-warm fashion by the general population. The many rumors of mass executions, widespread torture and incorrect pricing on some items in the men's wear department were the main concerns on most civilian's minds.
In a related story, some collateral damage and civilian casualties were sustained when heavy air strikes that had been targeting New Jersey and Delaware Sears Automotive Departments were accidentally dropped on a nearby True Value Hardware Store, who thus far has remained neutral in this growing conflict. Commander In Chief Of True Value's Home Improvement and Gardening Departments, Major General Paul Harvey, stopped short of condemning Walmart's actions but did categorize the incident as "just another example of the brutal discount practices of this regime."
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BUSINESS IMPACT... PAGE 5
* Wall Street reacts to conflict: Nasdaq composite up 12.34... whatever that means
* Thousands of refugees flee to outlet stores in New Hampshire and Vermont
* Brutal fighting in the aisles of Price Chopper, violence may spread to Super G
* Don't you hate it when you have something stuck in your teeth and nobody tells you?
In Washington: Barbara Bush reveals horrifying truth, 'I had Sam Walton's baby'
The Internet: Are some web pages promoting anti-social behavior and price gouging?
Health Watch: Insomnia, protection from the date rape drug?
Breaking News?
In another tragic occurrence of armed animal attack, a Michigan Dachshund named Frisky shot and killed his owner and six other people yesterday in what authorities are calling "an argument over dry dog food." Police were summoned to the scene by neighbors who reported hearing the owner's screams of "Purina!", followed by multiple gunshots and the sound of an electric can opener. "We gave (Frisky) every opportunity to surrender," the police stated, "but he came running out of that house with a .38 revolver in his mouth, firing wildly and growling like mad." The officers then returned fire killing the suspect, who was pronounced dead at the scene by the County Veterinarian's Office. It is not known whether the dog knew the other victims. 
In an innovative move by producers of the soon to be made sequel to "Gone With The Wind", the body of the late Clark Gable will be exhumed to play a minor supporting role in the aptly titled motion picture "Return From Terra." Gable will reprise his role as Rhett Butler, who in this follow-up story has been dead for twenty years. "He is perfect for this role," says director Sal Roth, "The character in the story is dead, and so is Gable, so he's a natural." Filming is slated to start in June.
Under pressure from the Israeli Government and various Jewish Coalitions, Pope Benedict XVI is expected today to issue a formal apology from the Roman Catholic Church concerning the Nazi Holocaust during World War II. Later this week The Pontiff will travel to Gettysburg, PA to personally apologize for the Civil War; and will then move on to the Arctic Circle sometime next month where an official apology for the last ice-age is expected. 
