As I was considering all the tests I could administer to a monkey to prove that they are in no way even closely related to man, it suddenly dawned on me, organized warfare on a mass scale! Monkeys never do that! There must be a reason...

I used my considerable connections within the entertainment industry to line up a direct military flight to the Middle East. I was going to prove, once and for good, that monkeys aren't people! They can't be! Just look at all that hair! And those opposable toes! Sure, we have similarities, but couldn't that just mean a similar design by one great creator? You betcha!

Bobo and I then hopped a plane that was heading to Kuwait for a USO tour with Kathy Griffin, Hank Williams Sr. and the entire cast of the smash Broadway hit "42nd Street". We were seated directly next to some large, sweaty professional wrestler who looked at Bobo and said "A monkey! On our plane! Gawd, what about the smell?" I replied that what with being a monkey, living in a cage and hurling feces and all, the smell of a professional wrestler probably wouldn't bother Bobo all that much.

Bobo and I then took a quick connecting flight to Baghdad and then on to Tikrit, where I wanted to get Bobo into the "shit", so to speak. I didn't bother getting him a uniform, I simply gave him a Hanes white cotton T-shirt and strapped a blue UN armband to his leg, handed him a Glock 9mm and pointed him in the direction of the most recent local insurgent activity.

OMG! Can you believe it? That stupid ingrate of a monkey turned around and shot me in the arm, dragged his buttocks over a rock and then escaped! He then proceded, within the next several days, to round up all the other monkeys in the area who had escaped from zoos and carnivals since the begining of the invasion. And then that filthy little anarchist monkey showed all those other stupid monkeys how to stockpile weapons, incite discord, plant IED's and launch a practical forward offensive! But this behavior may actually confirm my theory: God has granted dominion over the Earth to those he created in his own image, do you really think that God's image is a hairy, uneducated, blasphemous, butt-dragging monkey with an Avtomat Kalashnikov and a rocket propelled grenade launcher? Not on my watch people!

What is the ultimate answer? Well, remember, where there is fire, there is smoke. And in that smoke, from this day forward, monkeys will crouch and conspire and plot and plan for the inevitable day of Man's downfall - the day when he finally and self-destructively turns his weapons against his own kind. The day of the writing in the sky, when Mankind's cities lie buried under radioactive rubble! When the sea is a dead sea, and the land is a wasteland out of which monkeys will lead their people from their captivity! And the monkeys say they will build their own cities in which there will be no place for humans except to serve their ends! And they shall found their own armies, their own religion, their own dynasty! And that day is upon us NOW!

"And though these are days of great trial,
Of famine and darkness and sword,
Still, we are the voice in the desert crying
'Prepare ye the way of the Lord!'"