I had to take a flight out to Utah for a revival not too long ago and it hit me, how would Bobo, our "nearest family member", deal with commercial air-travel? If these "scientific" types are to be believed, Bobo should be able to book his own flight and check his own luggage!

I called several different airlines, including United, Pan Am, TWA, Jet Blue and Lufthansa, and the answer was always the same: "You can't bring a monkey into the passenger cabin, he will have to ride in the cargo compartment." I think this fact by itself speaks volumes. If these monkeys are in fact so closely related to human beings, why won't any of the major air-carriers allow them into the cabin? Not even in business class?

Finally, I called Air Lingus and after some wheeling and dealing they said that Bobo would be allowed into the passenger cabin, as long as he was accompanied by me and dressed in human attire. For the sake of God's truth, not a problem! I then took Bobo to Anderson Little and bought him a nice three-piece Herringbone suit and a set of matching American Tourister luggage. We were on our way.

The trouble started almost immediately after we arrived at the airport. We initially had a problem at the gate, as it seems that in a three-piece suit, Bobo looked suspiciously of Middle-Eastern extraction. This means nothing, however, because as soon as security discovered that Bobo was a chimpanzee they again tried to put him in the baggage compartment! I slipped the guard a twenty and he allowed Bobo and I to board the plane.

Talk about a God-forsaken ordeal! As soon as we got to our seats Bobo knocked over a drink cart and started to stuff his mouth with small packages of Air Lingus peanuts. Luckily, I managed to settle him down a bit by giving him an in-flight magazine to chew on, I put his seat belt on, and we waited for permission to take off. That's when things got positively crazy!

That heathen monkey really went nuts when the plane took off! I guess it was all the noise and movement, but he attacked a stewardess and bit her on the leg rather severely. Luckily, an undercover Air-Marshall was on board, and he put a well-aimed 9mm round squarely into Bobo's leg which quieted him down pretty quickly. And this, the "science" guys say, is our "next of kin from the animal kingdom"? Ha! Monkeys are not people!