Recently, I took Bobo out to dinner to prove several undeniable facts. Fact #1- Monkeys aren't people! They know nothing of fine dining or table etiquette!

Bobo and I arrived at The Four Seasons at about 7:30 on a Friday night, even though our reservations weren't until 9:00. My observations were telling: While a human being might ask for an earlier seating, or at the very least be annoyed with the wait and go to the bar for a cocktail, Bobo did neither. He simply sat on a chair near the front desk and tried to put an ashtray in his mouth! Is this the actions of a creature that is supposedly "so closely related" to man? No! As I have said, Bobo is a monkey! Not a man!

Things only got worse after we were seated by the headwaiter. Besides being forced to order for Bobo, (he can't even read English!), he started to do things like grunting and putting the tablecloth and centerpiece in his mouth. Then, when our salads arrived, he actually knocked his plate to the ground with his feet, put his hand in my dish and started to eat my salad! I ask you again, are these the actions of "man's closest relative"?

I then ordered the Lobster Thermador faux gras for myself and the Cornish Game Hen with petite carrots for Bobo. When the entrees arrived at the table, Bobo suddenly grabbed my Lobster and hurled it toward a woman at a nearby booth. He then proceeded to jump up on the table and slam his fists into the Cornish Game Hen while emitting the most piercing animal screams and howls. Needless to say, we were asked to leave by the management. I must note here, for the sake of procedural diversity, that I have tried several different variations on this test, including taking Bobo to Burger King, Wendy's, Ooka Japanese Restaurant and Arby's. The results are always the same... Bobo just cannot grasp the concept of dining out! Take that, you "science" infidels!