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People just don't seem to be able to get enough of the crunchy, pungent flavor and atmosphere of Black Death Crunch. We receive so much feedback and so many supplications that we simply can't publish it all, so here is just a small example of letters from our vast body of customers. |
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"Ego baptizo te in nomine patris, sed in nomine diaboli"
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From the Schtect family in Watoosee,
Florida
Who would have known
the suffering and evil that can be contained in something as innocent as a
cereal box? As soon as I opened the package and started to pour the milk,
blood began running down the walls in my kitchen, and we could hear
scratching sounds coming from underneath the floor. Later that night we
heard footsteps and voices speaking in strange languages coming from our
attic, and our family dog has come up missing. Our entire household has
descended into the sixth level of hell, and we can't escape. You
suck!
Sincerely, Randy Schtect
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From the Peterson family in Camillus, New
York
We hated this
stuff so much, we used it to poison the rats we had in our basement.
But Goddammit if it didn't make the rats triple in size and become
vampires!!! It was bad enough having that filthy vermin in
our house, but now we have gigantic blood-sucking rodents that can't
be killed by poison, gunshot or fire! Expect a letter from my
attorney, you sons of bitches are worse than the devil himself ...
damn you all to hell!
Sincerely, Jeppe Peterson
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From the Redolence family in Spartan,
Pennsylvania
We recently bought a box of your cereal and things haven't been the
same since. Just as soon as we opened the box we got a call saying
that Grandmother had died! Later that morning as we were backing out
of the driveway to leave for our vacation, we ran over our cat and
then hit a garbage truck! It was all down-hill from there. I was
fired from my job, my husband discovered a lump in his breast and
our daughter joined the Branch Dividians. Just let me say, if
you weren't already dead, I would kill you! You
Bastards!
Sincerely, Sarah Redolence
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From the Simp family in Scratchscratchuan,
Michigan
When I opened a
box of Black Death Crunch this morning I smelled a very strange
aroma, like mildew or a damp, sour odor. When I looked in the box to
see what it was, I suddenly felt a straAHHHHHHH, AHHHHHH, OH MY
GOD, NOOOOOOO, AAARRRGGGHHHH!
Sincerely, Bernard Simp
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From the Houghton family in Essex Junction,
Vermont
I should have
suspected that there was something inhuman going on as soon as I got
home from the grocery store. Immediately after I put the box of
Black Death Crunch in the cabinet, I heard what sounded like horses
charging across my laundry room and then the sound of men screaming
in horrible agony coming from the lint trap in the dryer. Small
coins with strange pictures and markings seemingly appear from
nowhere near the ceiling, hover in the air for a moment and then
drop to the floor. Last night, my daughters bed began to shake so
violently that she was thrown to the floor, and I could clearly see
the outline of a figure standing in her doorway which proceeded to
fade away like a mist when I rushed in. How can I stop this? Please,
God help us, you have to tell me how to stop this!
Sincerely,
Holly Houghton
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From the DeVoice family in Lee,
Massachusetts
What in God's
name have we done to deserve this? All we wanted was some cereal,
and we end up with the breakfast equivalent of "The
Exorcist." Objects move all by themselves, weird faces appear
and disappear on our basement floor ... and we can see red, glowing
eyes in the backyard at night watching us. On Monday our three year
old son's eyes rolled back in his head and he started to say things
in some foreign language, I think it was Latin. We called our parish
priest to perform an exorcism, but when he entered our house he
started shaking and sweating profusely. He dropped his bible, fell
to his knees, vomited and then ran away screaming.
Sincerely,
Hector Devoice
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